Monday 27 December 2010

Festive Poetry Bus Challenge December 27th.

Muse Swings asks blogpoets to commemorate the most useless (etc) gift they ever received  . .  or gave.

Christmas Unwrapped by Ada Trellis

What's a young gal like me supposed to do
with artificial knee joints? One or two
I just about could understand - put by
as hostages to fortune. Cracked, creaking, dry,
my own knees, crumbling from too much pole-dancing
might one day need some serious enhancing.
But THREE?  I ask you! Tesco, can it be
you're offering a "Buy Two Get One Free"
on hip replacements, knuckles, sundry parts?
Soon you'll be stocking artificial hearts
along with DIY instruction kits,
translated from Chinese -






                                             behind your t*ts
hear bleatings of your harts. Cut quick. Cut deep.
Do not attempt lepracement while you sleep.
Not shootable for infants under sex.
We are not riable if you end up wrecks."

Caddoc's behind this gift!  Soft in the head!
I gave my silly man a Garden Shed,
and to make sure he stayed in there alone,
Now we can swap our tales of Festive Gifts
and hope our giggles make an end to rifts.


Note to Ada from Cad: I had a quiet word with Trellissimo, and he let me in the back door of your post, as you might say, in order for me to explain my thinking as regards the unusual gift! Sometimes a chap does need to chime in, in the hopes of ringing your bell...
Caddoc Claims His Right To Reply! 

Have you not heard the old refrain
"Knees Up Mother Brown?"
The third knee, dearest, is to use
to stop you falling down!

When the other two are in the air,
the third will keep you steady.
Shall I carve a wooden leg
with knee joint in already?

You could use it like a walking stick
and always keep it handy -
especially if it's hollow,
and could be filled up with brandy!

9 comments:

  1. What a lovely thoughtful gift. Doesn't every girl yearn for three artificial knee replacements?

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  2. Well done, Mrs.Trellis. I think this is the first response to the prompt where the poet has invented the unwanted gift. At least . . i hope you did! The imperfectly translated Chinese is just perfect. We've all been there.

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  3. Brilliantly funny! Your mastery of the Chinese instruction manual is a real boon. I shall call upon you if I find elbow joints or a replacement brain stem in my stocking. Take a seat up front for this one and feel free to talk to the driver.

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  4. Dear Mrs. Trellis,
    It's possible that the third knee joint will be useful at one of the pole-dancing gigs, when the gents get too rowdy. LOL!

    And yes, anyone learning sax definitely needs to go somewhere else!!!

    It is now ready for you to enjoy the kneeing,
    ROFL,
    Ann T.

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  5. The entry level sax was a stroke of genius!

    Kat

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  6. As the owner of an entry-level sax, I can confirm that a suitably distant shed is a definite must-have accessory! If you come across any spare hips, I'll take em off your hands. What a hoot!

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  7. I've got two replaced hips ... NO to the knees! Very funny poem.

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  8. Ada has just the face for pole-dancing! And it's quite a poem. Thank you.

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  9. Lucy -
    Right face for pole dancing? What are you trying to tell me, girl? Remember, there are many fine tunes played on an old fiddle, and many fine dance steps turned round an Old Pole - ask Mr Gryzbowski !

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